Saturday, August 14, 2010


Honesty is something important in my life nowadays. And I'm about to be very honest with you.
For those who know me very well and know about my last two years of life, you will definitely know about my cutting last summer. You will probably know I gave up cutting in August of last year, but backslid in January of this year. And, it's been six months since July 27th and will be seven months as of August 27th. I cannot wait until January 27th rolls around. I might have a party, ha. But, honestly, everyday is an absolute struggle. Life has been treating me wonderfully lately, but that urge to cut is always there. Because, ...honestly, the pain that surges through my body when that blade cuts through the skin is absolutely bittersweet. It's like a sigh of relief, only in a different form. And, it's as if my wrists are screaming at me to grab the nearest sharp object, and just tear through my skin. Just begging and crying for another new scar so that I can "show off". But it's nothing I never wanted to show off. I won't point out the fading scars and say, "I have more scars than you do!" Because it's embarrassing to think you have to cut just to set yourself free, which cutting doesn't free you; it just binds you even tighter.
I have a chalkboard that runs across the middle of my room, and I have one portion dedicated to TWLOHA(To Write Love On Her Arms). TWLOHA is written on the board and underneath TWLOHA is "6 months  2 weeks 4 days". That's merely a constant reminder that I'm almost to another day, another week, another month, and hopefully another year.
So, honestly, cutting urges are still there, and I haven't used anything sharp since January(you think I'm kidding? I'm not). And honestly, they are strong urges, lingering and waiting for the perfect moment to lure me. And honestly... It's bittersweet...

Live it,
-Stefani B.

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