My Hero.

Everyone has a hero, I believe. I do have other heroes, more like adults. But I have one hero that's a teenager and her name is Kayla. Kayla is my best friend; without her, I would be dead. The only problem is we live far away(not that far. We're neighboring states). I met Kayla when I was thirteen on MyPraize. And I'll be honest, I hated her for no apparent reason when we met.
Anyways, why is she my hero, you ask?

1. Well, she sets a good example for me. Yes, she does mess up. But I never said she was Superman or Jesus. 
2. We have the same likings. Music, clothing, humor, etc. And I didn't try to be like her. It just happened and a connection was there.
3. She's gone through a good amount of problems the last year or so. And yes, so have I. But it's the same continuous problem. Problems seem to pop out of nowhere for her, IMHO. Things do happen for a purpose. But I can't help but ask God why she has to endure this. I'll forever be there for Kayla when I can. 
4. Somehow, she can endure my stupidity and temper tantrums. There's only four people who can do that: God, Gus, Kayla, and Hannah.
5. She's awesome. I can't describe her awesomeness but she's awesome. 
6. Her statuses sometimes on Facebook make me laugh. For example: "I h8 when ppl type lik dis. Everyone is required to take an English class where they learn how to use grammar properly. Use that skill. That is all. Goodnight."
7. Kayla's too classy for you.
8. She constantly makes me lose the game. And it makes my days. I lost the game, by the way.
9. She's very, very, very, very pretty. 
10. (Repeat number 5). Told you she's awesome.

I love you, Kayla. <3 

Live it, 

Stefani B.

Texas or Bust.

My parents might be divorcing. They're so indecisive, I don't think they even know what's going on. My mother and I were supposed to move in with friends last week. Of course we didn't leave though... And her original plan was to move back to Texas. I'm fine with this. But when you tell me an IMPORTANT decision(especially in a teenager's life), keep your word. I'm tired of my family always doing this. Every other month is different. One month they're best friends; the next, they're at each other throats. Yes, I understand marriage is hard. But so is life.
Exams are coming up. Our first one is tomorrow. I'm prepared. Can't wait to get this over with. Then Christmas. I hope I get a Dell Inspiron 15r for Christmas. Speaking of which!, my mom and I are(supposedly) going to Texas for Christmas. I pray to God she doesn't back away from her word. I'll get irritated if she does...

I'll have a few more blogs up if or when I can, having to do with my true hero and random thoughts. I should be updating my list(Link: http://rainplussunshine.blogspot.com/2010/05/my-list.html#links) once again.

Live it,
Stefani B.

If you thought... you're wrong.

If you thought I would bend and hail you as my king, you're wrong.
If you thought you could push me around for the rest of my life, you're wrong.
If you thought I would worship you as my queen, you're wrong.
If you thought I would give up and go home, you're wrong.
If you thought I'd let you win this race, you're so very wrong.
If you thought I'd give in to your hypocrisy, you're wrong, wrong, wrong.

Thank you, for all those who have thrown me in the desert, broken my knees, and left me to die. Thank you. I'm so glad you did. I was able to rise from the dead every time just to prove you wrong. Because you are wrong. You're wrong to think that I would mourn about this, that, and the other. You see, people who have thrown me in the desert, broken my knees, and left to die, you've actually built me up, instead of pushing me down... to your level.
You've made me stronger, wiser, courageous, faster, better, tougher, mightier, more beautiful, more unique, happier, and the list could go on. "Why" you ask? It builds me. It sculpts me into the young lady I am today. I know now how to behave, how to live, how to react, how to not react, and how to prove you wrong. Because you see, people who have thrown me in the desert, broken my knees, and left me to die, you are wrong for what you did. Whether it be molest me, cuss me out, push me down, push me away, call me a "nigger", call me a "bastard", abuse me, scar me, tear me up, or whatever, that just makes me more resistant to the next harsh thing you or someone else does.
Now, I won't give the credit to myself. By now, I'd be dead because of you. But, because of God, I'm still alive, breathing, telling my tale, showing my scars, and becoming a legend in people's heart. It may not seem like it. But, I will be, one day. Actually, God will be one day. He will be a legend in everyone's heart, whether good or bad.
People who have thrown me in the desert, broken my knees, and left me to die, thank you so very much. All I really want to say to you... I love you, and yet I hate you. Good luck with life, and farewell. I'm never looking back at what you did.

Life. Blah.

Running away has never sounded better than these last few days and/or weeks. My parents might be divorcing. I'm not going to jump to conclusions and say they will. But the hints they're leaving make it seem like it. If they do divorce, I'm not sure if it'll be a good thing or not. God's law says not to divorce. Unless your spouse is being abusive. Does verbal abuse count? Then again, they might be better off without each other. I'm 99.9% positive my life would be totally different. Questions that go through my head are the following: Would I change schools? Would I leave Alabama? Would I stay with mom or dad? Would I have different choices? Who would get the house? What stuff would I keep? Would I be happy or sad? Would this affect my religion? Would this affect my personality? Would I cut again? If I went with mom, would she abuse me? If I went with dad, would he abuse me? Couldn't I just go on by myself? And etc...So many circles, so many decisions that could alter this and that.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood

and sorry I could not travel both

 I can't help but think that good will outcome of this. At least I'm being optimistic...? Some days though are like... "Life sucks...and then you die". And other days are like "Life is great! And so is God". Sounds bi-polar... right?

Oh, school. Report cards came out. All A's except a B. Almost cried. I blame Algebra 2. Blah. Friends...? Blah. What are those? Internet has my friends, mannnn. Thank Elyon for the Internet, heh heh. But seriously, if I had friends, they are truly invisible. Maybe because my school consist of EIGHTEEN people. Not many people but so many cliques. I just so happen to be in one. It has one person in the clique... me. cool, huh? I'm used to being lonely now. I won't complain. I only receive about 100 words from classmates everyday. Maybe less. I don't really care.
So, yes. And, I found an amazing verse Friday(?). Hebrews 12:12-13

Wherefore lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees; and make straight paths for your feet, lest that which is lame be turned out of the way; but let it rather be healed.

I love it. Just saying...

Live it,
Stefani B.

 

School = Meh

Usually, I wouldn't call school "meh" but this year has started very meh. We've been in school for over a month and I've already lost all my best friends and friends. I'm not exactly sure how I managed that. I didn't do or say anything wrong. It just...happened. I'm used to being alone but never this alone. I haven't been hugged for weeks and it's an awful feeling. (Not that I enjoy hugs but they're okay).
My grades are excellent. I only have a B in Algebra 2, because of a test I didn't study for. (Tests are 75% of our grade this year). I'm doing absolutely wonderful in Philosophy, Biology, Bible, and English. P.E. is just P.E. My ankle injury brought my grade down a tad, but other than that, I'm doing great in P.E.
I also finished my Bible for the third time last week. My teacher thinks highly of me now. It's really weird.
I'm pretty sure that's all of my update... Yeah.

Live it,
Stefani B.

I hate cancer.

I've hated cancer since the day I found out my grandmother was going to die of lung cancer in 2005. I've hated cancer even more the day Meghan died. I've hated cancer even more when a fellow Girl Scout lost her beautiful red hair and was diagnosed with leukemia. I've hated cancer even MORE since the day I found out about a 15-year-old with leukemia. She only has three months to live, the doctors say.
We take life for granted everyday-- I TAKE LIFE FOR GRANTED EVERYDAY WHILE PEOPLE ARE DYING OF CANCER, DISEASE. And I take life for granted everyday! Lauren, the fifteen year old, hasn't been to school for a very long time. She hasn't been hanging with her friends at the mall or whatever. She has been stuck in a hospital for God knows how long! while I'm wasting every single breath! And I walk around boohooing about this and that when... this girl... she can't even... go outside without collapsing.

This Life is Wee-ary, A Tear - a Sigh. A Love that Chan-ges, This Life is Wee-ary, A Tear - a Sigh. A Love that Chan-ges, And then ... Good-bye! This Life is Wee-ary, Hope comes to Die. A Dream - a Wa-kening.

Life is beautiful but so short. And I can't stand death. Death after death after death. Sometimes I wish I could change positions with someone. I would do anything to take Lauren's cancer. Or take Natalie's flu. Or die for Matthew. Anything... But, you have to learn to let go.



Carried to The Table - Leeland


Live it,
Stefani B.

Honest.

Honesty is something important in my life nowadays. And I'm about to be very honest with you.
For those who know me very well and know about my last two years of life, you will definitely know about my cutting last summer. You will probably know I gave up cutting in August of last year, but backslid in January of this year. And, it's been six months since July 27th and will be seven months as of August 27th. I cannot wait until January 27th rolls around. I might have a party, ha. But, honestly, everyday is an absolute struggle. Life has been treating me wonderfully lately, but that urge to cut is always there. Because, ...honestly, the pain that surges through my body when that blade cuts through the skin is absolutely bittersweet. It's like a sigh of relief, only in a different form. And, it's as if my wrists are screaming at me to grab the nearest sharp object, and just tear through my skin. Just begging and crying for another new scar so that I can "show off". But it's nothing I never wanted to show off. I won't point out the fading scars and say, "I have more scars than you do!" Because it's embarrassing to think you have to cut just to set yourself free, which cutting doesn't free you; it just binds you even tighter.
I have a chalkboard that runs across the middle of my room, and I have one portion dedicated to TWLOHA(To Write Love On Her Arms). TWLOHA is written on the board and underneath TWLOHA is "6 months  2 weeks 4 days". That's merely a constant reminder that I'm almost to another day, another week, another month, and hopefully another year.
So, honestly, cutting urges are still there, and I haven't used anything sharp since January(you think I'm kidding? I'm not). And honestly, they are strong urges, lingering and waiting for the perfect moment to lure me. And honestly... It's bittersweet...

Live it,
-Stefani B.